Family Camping Trip
by cheri1
Summary: Eleven/River with Amy/Rory. Crackfic. The Doctor decides to take his family camping for a night.
1. Chapter 1

Amy sat on the sofa, flipping through TV channels with her remote. Suddenly, the Doctor burst into the room and ran over to her.

"MY FAITHFUL COMPANION, THERE YOU ARE!" he yelled.

He frowned when Amy instantly fell to the side, closed her eyes and snored loudly while she pretended to sleep. She grinned when the Doctor poked her arm.

"Are you a narcoleptic and I didn't know it?" he said as he poked her arm. "I thought I knew everything about you but if you're prone to kips at inopportune times. Then again, sleeping is part of the plan I have in mind…"

Amy kept on snoring as she got up from the sofa. The Doctor frowned when she stuck her arms out in front of her and snored as she headed towards the door.

"Um…I wasn't finished…" the Doctor said, turning to look at her.

Amy paused at the doorway. She looked over her shoulder and beckoned for him to follow while she kept on snoring. The Doctor stuck his hands in his pockets and followed her. Amy kept her arms out in front of her and snored while she walked to her bedroom. The Doctor followed behind, wondering what she was doing. When she got to her room, she walked to her bed, pulled back the covers and got in. The Doctor came up to the side of the bed and Amy continued to snore loudly.

"Actually, I was thinking of sleeping out under the stars. A bit of a challenge actually."

Amy stopped snoring and looked at him.

"We've done that before," she said.

"Yes, but not in the middle of a danger zone. In a forest filled with scary things. I thought perhaps I'd test your courage and also Rory and River."

"Why? So you can laugh at us when we fail?"

"No, so I can be proud of you lot when you don't fail. So…up to the challenge?"

"Um…okay," Amy said.

"Well…hop outta bed then, Pond. We have to go get your daughter and rally your husband to our cause!"

Amy grinned, got out of bed and went to find Rory while the Doctor headed to the console room.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Right you lot, be very careful," River said to her students.

They were in the middle of the Utah desert on a dinosaur dig. They'd uncovered some bones of Utahraptor and were very carefully using the tools to move the dirt off and around the fragile bones. River was in charge of the dig, training her students while also helping them uncover the bones.

"Ronnie, use the smaller brush on the smaller bones," she said to a young male student. "We must be delicate when we uncover these fossils and…"

She froze when she heard a familiar wheezing coming from the direction of her tent.

"Everyone, keep working. I'll be back in a minute," she said, standing up and dusting off her khaki trousers.

She hurried over a nearby hill and smiled when she saw the TARDIS parked near her tent. The Doctor, Amy and Rory were outside it and the Doctor was sticking his head inside the flap of her tent.

"There she is," Amy said, pointing to her.

The Doctor stuck his head back out of the flap and grinned.

"Ah, Doctor Song, what is all this then?" he said, gesturing around at the tents.

"This is an archeological dig site," River said, walking to them. "We found Utahraptor bones and we're uncovering them on the other side of this hill."

"So you're not doing anything important, splendid! You can come with us then," the Doctor said.

River looked at her parents.

"Is he joking?" she said to them.

"No, he's very serious," Rory said.

"And what will I be doing then? Is there some trouble and you need my help?" River said.

"He wants you to come with us so we can go camping," Rory said.

"Yup," the Doctor said, smacking his hands together. "So…come on, get your things together and follow us."

"Camping?" River said, amused. "What do you think I'm doing now?" she said, pointing to the tent.

"At a guess, I'd say you're doing something stupid and boring and pointless and I could give you a better time than this," the Doctor said.

"Oh, I bet you could," River purred. "But unfortunately, I have students here that I'm responsible for."

"And I have a time machine…so what's your point?" the Doctor said.

River gave him an exasperated look before she looked at her parents.

"And he won't leave until I say yes, is that right?" she said.

"Um…probably, yeah," Amy said.

River looked at the Doctor.

"Love, honor and obey, that was all there in the wedding vows," the Doctor said.

"No, it wasn't. You just asked Mum and Dad to give their consent to our marriage. You said nothing about obeying you and I wouldn't do that anyway," River said.

"Then I shall have to give you the puppy eyes then?" the Doctor said.

"The what?" River said.

The Doctor leaned in, widened his eyes and batted his eyelashes.

"Poo-weese," he said as he batted his eyelashes. "Poo-weese, come with me, Wiver Song!"

Amy giggled at the amused look on her daughter's face while the Doctor made a pucker face and batted his eyelashes at his wife.

"Poo-weese?" the Doctor said when he stopped.

River rolled her eyes.

"Oh, alright, but you have to bring me back to this moment when we're through because I just told my students I'd be back in a moment."

"Done!" the Doctor said. "So, everyone…into the TARDIS for adventure and fun!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

The TARDIS landed and powered down and the Doctor turned away from the console with a triumphant look on his face.

"So! We're now on Planet Musskor, one of the most dangerous planets ever," he said ominously to his family while they stood around him. "Forget Utahraptor skeletons, here a Utahraptor skeleton could come alive and eat you! So…are you ready?"

"Okay, how are we going to go camping if we're gonna be running for our lives every moment," Amy said.

"Dunno, that's the fun part," the Doctor said gleefully.

"Do you get the feeling that he gets a sadistic pleasure from tempting fate?" Rory said.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Each of them carried some camping gear out of the TARDIS and into the surrounding forest. The suns had nearly gone below the horizon and the woods were darkening and becoming creepy. They found a clearing about fifty feet from the TARDIS. The Doctor set up the tent while Rory used a spade to build a fire pit and River and Amy went into the woods with hatchets to find wood for the fire.

"So…keeping busy then?" Amy said to her daughter.

"Yup. Like I said, I was leading a dig before Hubby showed up again," River said.

"And you dropped all that and went with him."

"Mother, you and I both know that the Doctor is a man child. If I refused, he would have batted his little eyelashes and begged till I gave in."

"Are you sure? Because I figured you'd want to see him again," Amy teased.

"I do but…I do have a life outside of him. That's why I refused to travel with him full time. The Doctor is wonderful and I love him with all my heart but he's best in small doses."

"I agree with that," Amy said.

River pointing to a small tree with thick tree limbs. The two of them used the hatchets and began chopping down bits of wood.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

"There we go," the Doctor said when he finished the tent. "It's bigger on the inside so plenty of room. That's why I only set up one tent."

"So…it's like Harry Potter then?" Rory said. "I mean, they had a bigger on the inside tent as well. Did you get the idea from the books?"

"You mean, I stole from JK Rowling? No, I had one first so JK owes me royalties for the theft of my intellectual property," the Doctor said with a grin.

"And is that tent able to withstand any horrors this forest has?" Rory said.

"Um…dunno. But the four of us together, we can do anything!" the Doctor said, walking over and patting him on the shoulder.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Amy and River returned and they were able to start a fairly large fire after Rory finished digging out the fire pit and surrounding it with large stones. The Doctor had brought some inflatable chairs that they could sit in while they cooked their food. He set up a spit and put some steaks on that were brought from the TARDIS. He had also brought a large wicker picnic basket and a tiny guitar case. While his family was relaxing, the Doctor opened the guitar case and brought out a ukulele.

"Now…I shall entertain the masses," he said to them as he tuned his ukulele.

"Won't that alert the dangers that we're here?" Amy said.

"Yeah. Can't wait to see what shows up," the Doctor said. "Anyway…any requests for songs?"

Everyone was silent. The Doctor shrugged. He plucked a few of the strings before he cleared his throat and began to strum while he sang.

"Here we are, deep in the woods. But the four of us, we got the goods. We'll fight anything that comes near. Boy, I wish I had a nice, cold beer!"

He fell silent and stopped strumming while he waited for applause. His family glanced at each other before River gave him three sarcastic claps.

"Thank you!" the Doctor said, nodding his head. "Now…" he said while he strummed lazily on the ukulele. I think I should favor you with a story, a tale of scariness and suspense. Perhaps I shall tell you of the things that lurk just beyond our campsite?"

"If we say we're not interested, will that stop you?" Rory said.

"No, Father, it won't," River said to him.

"First…there are the Vovos," the Doctor said while he casually plucked out a tune on the ukulele. "Hideous ten foot spiders that come down from the trees, pounce on you and eat you alive!"

He paused for dramatic effect while his family looked at one another with withering looks on their faces.

"Yes. Even now, the Vovos might be lurking above," the Doctor said dramatically.

River rolled her eyes when he punctuated that by furiously strumming on his ukulele for ten seconds. He stopped strumming and stared at them with an intense look on his face for another ten seconds before resuming his little melody.

"Yes. The Vovos are dangerous but some say that the power of music can lull them into a calm state. That is why I'm playing right now."

"Well, I hope they're fans of crappy ukulele music then," Amy said dryly.

"Some say the Vovos were once humans," the Doctor said as he played. "Some say that they were evil men who were turned to spiders as a punishment for their misdeeds."

"Some say that I'm being bored to tears listening to this," Rory said.

"Now…the Vovos spend eternity feasting on the flesh of the unwary."

"Will you stop that?" River said when he did another dramatic fast strumming of the ukulele.

"What?" the Doctor said. "You want me to stop playing and possibly invite the Vovos into our midst?"

"At least fighting the Vovos would keep me awake," Amy said.

"Fine," the Doctor said, setting his ukulele aside. "But if the Vovos come en masse and kill you all, don't come crying to me!"

"Kill us? What about you?" Rory said.

"I'll regenerate. None of you have that advantage," the Doctor said smugly.

"He forgets that I was the one that gave up my regenerations to allow him to continue to have this so-called advantage," River said to her parents.

"And I am forever grateful, River," the Doctor said.

"So that's it then? Just huge man eating spiders to threaten us?" Amy said.

"Oh no, that's just the beginning of the horrors that await us here," the Doctor said.

He fell silent along with everyone else. Rory listened but all he heard were crickets.

"So where are these other horrors," he finally said. "I mean, surely the campfire and the music and the smell of burning meat would have brought something here by now."

"Oh…but that's the thing," the Doctor said to him. "You see, they are very clever. They wait in the trees for the right opportunity to strike!"

River sighed when he snatched his ukulele off the ground and did the dramatic strumming again.

"Beware of the beasties tonight," the Doctor said dramatically as he stared at each of his family members in turn. "For they wait with baited breath until…THEY STRIKE!"

"Anyone else ready to eat now?" Amy said to them when the Doctor did his dramatic strumming again.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

After they finished their meal, they decided to go to sleep for the night. The four of them shared the same tent but it was so big there was ample space for all. The Doctor and River set up camp beds near the back of the tent while Rory and Amy set up beds near the front.

"Are you sure you want to sleep near the entrance?" the Doctor said to them. "Think of the nasty creatures waiting to kill you."

"That's alright, we'll cope," Amy said to him.

"Sure about that?" the Doctor said. "Scary things aplenty out in them thar woods."

"Leave them alone," River said to him as she lay down on her camp bed.

"I'm just saying, danger galore. Course I always choose the best of the best to travel with me so I admire their courage," the Doctor said.

"Or maybe we don't buy your whole danger galore codswallop," Amy said as she and Rory lay down beside each other.

"Your funeral," the Doctor said with a shrug before lying down beside River.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

It was near midnight when Rory woke up. He had the insane urge to pee so he carefully sat up so he wouldn't disturb his family. To his dismay, the Doctor was awake. He knew his friend hardly ever slept but just the same, he knew he was in for another spiel about the dangers outside.

"Oh good, you're awake, we can chat," the Doctor said to him.

"I have to go relieve myself in the woods," Rory said. "Then I am going back to sleep."

"But…the dangers," the Doctor said.

Rory gave him a withering look before heading outside. The Doctor shrugged and relaxed in his camp bed. He grinned to himself and slowly got up after a few minutes and snuck outside. He looked around and finally managed to locate Rory just outside the perimeter of the campsite behind a couple of trees. He was looking down and the Doctor assumed he was relieving himself. He chuckled and quickly crept into the trees off to Rory's right.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Rory finished relieving himself. He looked around while he zipped up his jeans and snorted.

"Yeah, right, dangers galore," he said as he listened to crickets chirping around him.

He froze when he heard a noise off to his right. He strained his ears and heard a soft swishing sound. A moment later he realized the swishing was the leaves on a nearby tree as the branches moved around. He breathed a sigh of relief and headed back towards the camp. But thirty seconds later he heard the rustling sound coming from his left and with a ragged sigh he stopped and looked in that direction.

"Piss off, Doctor," he said aloud even though he couldn't see the Doctor at the moment. "You don't scare me so go back to bed."

He stood there and listened but apart from the normal night sounds and the soft blowing of the wind through the trees, he heard nothing unusual. The swishing sound was louder than the regular swishing of the leaves and he gathered the Doctor was hiding behind the trees moving the branches as quickly as he could in order to scare him.

"You don't scare me, Doctor," Rory said.

He listened but all he heard was the wind gently rustling the leaves around. He started back towards the camp.

"Eooooooo."

Rory stopped and rolled his eyes when he heard a high-pitched wailing behind him.

"I know it's you, Doctor," he said without turning around.

"Eoooooooo!"

"Yeah, that's scary alright," Rory said dryly before heading back to camp.

He took three more steps when the Doctor suddenly burst out of the trees in front of him.

"See, knew it was you," Rory said.

"Okay, it's a fair cop," the Doctor said. "However, would you like to scare your wife and mother for a bit of a giggle?"

Rory considered that for a moment.

"And what are we going to do?" he asked.

"Well…I have the beginnings of a plan. First, I need you to…"

The Doctor came close to Rory and whispered his plan to him.


End file.
